This Goodbye
by samirant
Summary: Duncan meets the place where he could choose to stay or go on. Lilly, as always, must have her say. Post 1st Season; One Shot


This Goodbye

"Why are you letting her do this to you?"

One eyelid cracked open carefully, revealing a brilliant blue eye. When the source of the question was not completely apparent, Duncan Kane opened his other eye and took a look around the cabin of his father's private jet. At first seeing nothing, he leaned back into his seat and adjusted his seatbelt. He had every intention of falling asleep before the plane took off; it was the only way he could forget where he was going, why he was going…

He could forget what had happened.

Eyes shut again, Duncan rubbed at his face and took a deep breath to calm himself. The last two weeks had been, without a doubt, hell on earth. That was saying something considering that the past year and a half had been the worst he'd ever experienced and it had been unlikely ever to be beat. But it had been.

It had taken his ex-girlfriend's near death at the hands of his sister's murderer, his father's arrest and his best friend's attempted suicide to beat it, but it was beaten.

Duncan wished he'd swallowed the muscle relaxants his mother, Celeste Kane, had tried forcing into his palm before he boarded the plane instead of throwing them on the tarmac. He'd been angry enough at her to do it and her guilty enough to let him. It was because of her that he was sitting here now, taking what the press called 'a recuperative rest in an undisclosed location'.

Recuperative. Duncan scoffed silently. It would take years to recover from this, if it ever came close to even happening.

"Yeah, I think it's pretty stupid, too."

Duncan shot up in his seat this time and looked around the cabin frantically. He was sure he'd heard someone this time.

"Poor Donut, you look so confused."

And there she was. Duncan's stomach felt as if it were tumbling into an abyss as he realized his sister, Lilly Kane, was sitting in front of him.

Perhaps for other men, sitting with their sisters was not that big of a deal. But when your sister has been dead for nearly two years, it made for quite a surreal experience. Duncan could only stare at her as she silently preened, stroking her hair back and giving him a small smirk.

"Come on, Duncan, you didn't think I'd forgotten my manners, did you?" She reached forward and patted his knee, her hand amazingly warm and firm. "I had to say goodbye."

It was only when he tried to respond that he realized all his breath was gone. Duncan's chest was moving rapidly as he gasped for air and any attempts to speak were in vain.

Lilly seemed to catch on to his difficulty and she immediately lost her teasing tone. Moving towards him, she urged, "Come on, take a deep breath, it's okay. It's okay, all right? Just me, just Lilly here."

Duncan closed his eyes and opened them, unable to take her in.

"It's okay," Lilly said, her brilliantly blue eyes filling with tears. "Please, Duncan."

"But-" Duncan's voice broke and he dropped his eyes from her.

"You weren't so scared last time," Lilly said sadly.

He took one breath and then a second, steadying himself. "I was hallucinating last time."

Lilly gave him half-grin even through her tears, "You wouldn't let me when I tried. That's the only time you let me."

"I'd stopped taking my meds," Duncan said in a low voice.

"And you haven't taken them for a while," Lilly added, dropping her hands on his knees again. "It's not about the drugs, not now or then. I just… I wanted to see you. I wanted you to see me this time."

Duncan swallowed thickly and didn't answer.

"Veronica-" Lilly stopped and shook her head. "She let me in _all the time_. I was starting to think it was a pretty bad idea, but then she got it. She figured it out."

He averted his face, the guilt that had been gnawing at the edges of his conscience now burning all over. But even as the shame washed over him, Lilly slapped at his legs and said, "Stop it. That wasn't your job, okay? I never made it your job. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have made it Ronnie's, but it's done."

"Yeah, it's done," Duncan said roughly. A surge of anger was rising in him, though he had no idea where from. "Mr. Mars is still in the hospital and Veronica was nearly burned to death. Dad's in jail. Logan almost killed himself and now he's God-knows-where because Trina won't tell us. I'd say that's done."

Lilly said nothing, eyeing him without a trace of emotion now.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Duncan burst out of his seat so that he towered over her. "Mr. Echolls? Logan's dad? That's low, even for you, Lilly! How could you do that to him? To all of us?

"Couldn't you have once thought about everyone else instead of yourself?" His voice was growing louder and louder, echoing off the cabin walls. "W-was all that worth it just to piss off mom and dad? You _know _he hurt Logan, we all saw the bruises. How could you do that with someone-"

Duncan gagged loudly and braced himself against the wall to regain his composure, but it was too far gone. Slumping slightly, he slapped his hands against the walls and closed his eyes. He knew she was still there, he knew she was listening and there was nothing he could do to stop himself.

"I remember, you know?" His voice went soft as his mouth quivered a little and his eyes began to sting. "I don't know if it's just a dream or if it's because I was told, but I remember coming home and just holding you and you wouldn't wake up. You wouldn't wake up no matter how hard I tried."

Duncan dropped his forehead against the wall. He wished it were a dream, a wild design of his imagination, but he that wasn't the truth. His father had held the key and it had slowly turned in its lock in the days since the arrest and Logan's disappearance into the world of discreet rehabilitation centers at high prices. It had clicked open after he'd seen Veronica slipping away from the sheriff's department where his father had been held. He had seen it in full glory since the day he'd been interviewed by the prosecuting lawyers and discarded as too unstable a witness to be used.

Duncan sighed heavily and turned his head slightly to look at her.

Lilly still said nothing.

"I don't know what to think anymore," he said quietly. "I thought it would make sense, that I would feel relieved that it wasn't me after all. But it's even more fucked up than before."

She looked away.

"And I hate you." Duncan stared at her profile. "I hate you for doing this to us and for not being here. I hate you and I miss you and I wish that you'd come back."

Crying now, Duncan said, "I miss you so much, Lilly. You're gone and I can't do a thing about it. Just like I couldn't save you."

Lilly moved close to him, her arms wrapping around him before he could process that she'd even stood. Ghosts, he thought a bit hysterically, he would never be able to figure them out. Even so, Duncan let her draw close and he lifted his own arms to embrace her in return.

"I miss you, too," she whispered, her breath eerily warm against his ear. "And I'm so, so sorry. I'm so sorry, Duncan."

He tightened his clench around her to hide his body's shaking. This, he knew, was her goodbye.

"My Donut," she said in a wobbly sort of voice. Lilly pulled back and touched her hand to his cheek. "I'm still there, okay? I'm still with you. Always will be."

Duncan sighed softly and nodded.

She stepped out of Duncan's embrace and he immediately felt the loss, but Lilly shook her head at him before he could reach out to her.

"Time to go," Lilly sing-songed.

"Lilly-"

She gave him a solemn look and Duncan stopped his protest before it began.

"It's time to go," she repeated.

Movements full of grace, Lilly began to dance down the aisle, spinning and twirling along the way. Even now, she wanted to leave him with a smile, he knew. Duncan stood still as she slowly began to fade, wishing with all his heart that she could stay and hoping this goodbye would be enough.

Right before she was completely gone from sight, he saw one last brilliant smile streak across her face and heard her ask, "So are you going to get off the fucking plane or not?"

Duncan smiled.

And he got off the plane.

The End.

* * *

A/N: ...because the plot bunny was driving me insane. I'm not affiliated with UPN or the WB, nor do I own Veronica Mars or any of the characters on the show. Please review because they make a girl feel good. 


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